Bond, James Bond – Diamonds are For Old Gay HitmenPosted: February 11, 2009
Bond Actor: Sean Connery (Age: 41)
Bond Country of Origin: Scotland
Women Slept With: 1
Villain’s Evil Scheme: To use a laser made of diamonds to destroy nuclear arsenals and hold a global auction for nuclear supremacy.
Yes you are reading that scheme correctly. SPECTRE (under the lead of the still alive and surgically altered Blofeld) is using a diamond laser satellite to melt the world’s nuclear arsenals for fun and profit. It is exactly as goofy as it sounds. I will be the first to admit that I’ve been harsh on many Bond films for being campy or silly. Of all the films up to this point, Diamonds are Forever is by far the silliest. And I love it.
One could argue that I am just relieved that the role of Bond is played once again by Connery, who runs circles around Lazenby as Bond, and the end of crazy jump cuts and super-sped up action. Or that I find the return of Blofeld as the actor that played the British agent in Japan that was killed through a paper wall amusing and a clever bit of continuity. Perhaps it is because I like the idea of creepy gay hitmen (Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd are the best!), despite how inept they are at even remotely threatening Bond. Actually what it is is the vaugely Eastern European announcer who sits in Blofelds not so secret lair, reading anything he is given completely in monotone as the base explodes around him. Delightful.
Really though, I think what stands out about DaF is that it embraces the silliness that felt so forced in the other Bond films. Sure, Blofeld is faking the moon landing and Bond escapes the compound by stealing a Moon buggy and racing it across the Nevada desert, why not? How does 007 kill a Blofeld double? Mud bath drowing of course. Yes, Blofeld’s plan does involve leaving his secret lair’s location marked on a giant map and sitting in an oil derrick that the United States has surrounded with attack choppers and submarines hoping that no one will attack him before he enacts his evil plan. Of course the brig has a giant hole in the floor for ease of escaping. Obviously the hostage billionaire is held hostage by two gymnasts name Bambi and Thumper that Bond deals with by dunking them underwater. The movie is goofy sure, but where other films tried to balance the camp this film embraces it totally.
This film is not perfect by any means: the gorgeous , but obnoxious Tiffany Case as the only Bond girl Connery seals the deal with (Plenty O’Toole never gets her own bit of tool) and Bond for some reason puts up with her though she is constatnly changing loyalties. This also marks the point where Bond has become a celebrity spy, with even two bit smugglers knowing who James Bond is (a theme that the Moore years embrace). For whatever reason though, the campiness of Bond is diluted into an entertaining form, one that doesn’t grate on me as usual. This is a film that takes place largely in Vegas, where casino culture has given rise to an atmosphere just as weird, silly and overblown as the movie itself. If only Connery had stopped here forever.
Bond Rating: SPECT out of SPECTRE