Bond, James Bond – Goldfinger…Bang!Posted: December 2, 2008
It’s time to review Goldfinger! You know Goldfinger, it’s not possible you found this site and don’t know what Goldfinger is. He’s the man with the Midas Touch! According to this awesome poster I’m looking at, everything he touches turns to EXCITEMENT!
Bond Actor: Sean Connery (Age:34)
Martini Count: 1
Women Slept With: 2
Villain’s Evil Scheme: To set off a Chinese dirty bomb in Fort Knox, destabilizing the World Economy and making the titular Goldfinger rich, Rich, RICH!
Meet the beginning of the modern iteration of James Bond! Gasp as he shows off what an awesome ninja he can be by blowing up a drug cartel’s warehouse! Stare in awe as Q labs provides a constant stream of wacky gadjets and sight gags! Laugh as the normally calm and collected evil genius is constantly just SO FURIOUS with 007! Become embarrasing aroused at the Bond Girl’s erotic name! Oh no! Bond has got himself trapped in a death trap! Will he be clever enough to outsmart to the mildly retarted guards?! And then how will he deal with the impossibly tough bodyguard with the single defining characteristic?!
I kid not because I think Goldfinger isn’t a strong Bond film, it’s pretty good actually, but because I’m quite sad to see Bond’s ties to real world espionage go. No more getting out of a jam with wits and a hidden knife for Commander Bond, from here on out for many films it will be all convenient toys, dumb luck, dumber henchmen, and attractive villanesses susceptible to Bond’s charms. Goldfinger’s Bond is charming enough to convince Goldfinger’s accomplice to sleep with him in a room presumably paid for by Goldfinger who happens to be within waddling distance, but dumb enough to get caught and put into deadly situations again and again.
Goldfinger does rank though as one of the more memorable villains. His delivery of the “I expect you to die” is absolutely flawless and sets the standard for dastardly evil geniuses. His plot is particularly original and clever, though I suppose he could have waited twenty (or forty) years to let US banks basically carry out his plan for him. Watching him with Bond though, makes him seem like a paunchy little bully. As cool as he tries to be, he’s always on the verge of frustrated tears whenever Bond says something witty. And he’s so cocky, he’s willing to risk the one henchperson (the delightfully named Pussy Galore) vital to his plan by leaving her to keep the man with the magic penis “occupied”. Obviously Bond is able to not just bang Mrs. Galore back to the side of good, he manages to hump the lesbian out of her and make her just as hopelessly devoted to him as every other girl he meets.
Goldfinger’s action is pretty great, especially for the time, and the plotting is strong enough that I don’t mind that the US Government needs a British agent to solve her problems, or that the CIA (played by a stereotypically G-man looking Felix Leiter) is carrying out operations in the United States. I don’t even mind the return of the evil nameless mute Chinese troops (horray racism!) or that the strongest female character in any Bond film thus far is fine with being ordered to basically sleep with an enemy agent (I expect nothing less than the finest mysogyny in a Bond film). The movie represents some of the coolest Bond moments you’ll see, but it also represents Bond acting shockingly dumb and lucking out that everyone else around him is just as dumb. It also means we are one step closer to stunts emphasized with a slide whistle. A Slide Whistle.
Bond Rating – (no) SPECT (involved) out of (no) SPECTRE (involved)