Presidential Profiles – Darkseid

Birth – the Planet Apokolips

Slogan – I have taken way their confusion and replaced it with obedience. I have taken away their fear of themselves and given them a fear of Darkseid. I have liberated them from the chaos of indecision. I have given them one straight path! One purpose! One goal: TO DIE FOR DARKSEID!

Party – Despotic Ruler – baw…no need for parties.

Religion – Given Darkseid’s total narcissi m and devotion to himself and his own desires, along with his seeming disregard for any value system or body of ethics, it may be debatable whether anything that Darkseid believes in or is motivated by should be called a “religion,” at least in the general positive sense of the word. In other words, ‘There is only Darkseid.’

Running Mate – Granny Goodness. Proponent of Torture. Military experience with elite group of ‘Female Furies.’ Runs orphanage which may play well to the Left. Some grumblings on the right consider Granny Goodness a man in drag – in fact some claim it may be Ed Asner.

Major Policies

Foreign Affairs – let the universe howl in despair, for Darkseid is here. All will bow in submission

The Economy based on slavery. Technologically advanced. Apokoliptian technology is furthermore the source of unparalleled misery in the universe as the planet routinely arms evil groups with advanced technology in order to further its influence (and misery) across the universe.

Taxes – Your own sense of non value and continued submission is all Darkseid requires, maggots.

Illegal Immigrants – Due to aggression from Apokolips, they have seen an influx of kidnapped citizens to join their slave ranks. This policy will not change.

Abortion – Only as Darkseid wills it.

Defense – The skies will rain fire, the oceans will boil, the streets will run red with the blood of billions. Only then, after your last pitiful hope is extinguished, will I end your enemies lives.

Pros

Everyone is equal – Everyone is a maggot.

Advocates torture of enemies.

Giving up only son all for the sake of peace seen as a selfless act.

Vast military experience.

Controls the Omega Effect.

Will cut government programs all for the Glory of Darkseid.

Able to use boom tube technology to eliminate America’s Trash Problems.

Also, able to use boom tube technology to eliminate the nation’s overcrowded prison systems

Cares little for criticism.

Constant need of fire pits on planet, helps perpetuate Global Warming.

Constant need for slaves.

Advocates torture for own citizens.

Female VP candidate adds diversity to the ticket.

Cons

There are no Cons for the glory of Darkseid. Obey.

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No Job, No Hope…

Get Ready…Here it comes!

( from wikipedia ) In 1999, McCain voted for the Gramm-Leach-Bliley Act, which passed in the Senate by a vote of 54-44. The deregulation bill loosened restrictions on the activities of banks, brokerage houses, and insurance companies. In 2002 he voted for the Sarbanes-Oxley Act, which passed the Senate without opposition. In 2007, however, McCain stated that he regretted his vote in favor of Sarbanes-Oxley, which strengthened financial reporting requirements for publicly held companies but which has been the subject of complaints from businesses.

In 2008, McCain expressed approval of the results of financial deregulation by pointing to it as a model for health care policy, writing: “Opening up the health insurance market to more vigorous nationwide competition, as we have done over the last decade in banking, would provide more choices of innovative products less burdened by the worst excesses of state-based regulation.”

Later in 2008, in the wake of the widely publicized crises involving the insurance company American International Group and the brokerage houses Lehman Brothers and Merrill Lynch, McCain stated: “In my administration, we’re going to hold people on Wall Street responsible. And we’re going to enact and enforce reforms to make sure that these outrages never happen in the first place.”

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John McCain, “The issue of economics is not something I’ve understood as well as I should.”

god…If he is elected…we’re fucked.


“I belong here.”

I was very, very drunk, Oh my brothers. My head was awash in the kind of murky blackness one might see in a very ancient glacial lake in northern New York. The kind of blackness in which mischievous thoughts move with impunity, hidden from reason.

OK, so we’re sitting in a dank, dark strip club ironically named “Goddess” — I say ironically because when I think of a goddess I think of Artemis, Freya, Athena, Selma Hayek, not a room full of crack-addict-thin or more than pleasantly plump girls begging for attention, or more directly the couple-dollars that their attention costs.

The decor of the bar puts one in mind of an old Spaghetti Western, or the “fucked up” bar in the Mos Eisley Cantina, dappled with neon lights and obnoxiously red wall-to-wall carpetting. By “we,” of course I mean myself, that is your humble and oh-so-inebriated Narrator, and my companions, that is The Ulti-Mate, FinalCylon and PsychoLarry, sans his Black Glove. PL and I were in Baltimore representing the much-storied staff of Blurred Productions, covering the Baltimore Comic-Con.

How did we come to be in this den of sin?

Well the evening began, ordinarily enough for this motley crew of alcoholics, in the bar of the Marriot next door, where we were staying. We had begun the evening under the suggestion of our illustrious ediotor-in-chief with a giraffe of Swiller Lite (TM). Now a giraffe — for those of you who may not be aware — is 120 oz. of beer in a PVC tube attacked to a base with a tap. I figure out of a giraffe, our entire gang who was partaking probably drank about two beers. But of course, this rather garish display of opulence and tolerance to sweet, sweet booze — although I decline to include Swiller in that category — did not end with one giraffe. We ordered five, and each of us also  had at least a few glasses of hard liquor along with it. So, we were a little bit intoxicated when one Mike Imboden, scribe of Fist of Justice, told your humble, besotted narrator that he could either accompany him next door to the club, or he could recommend a “good Ob/Gyn.”

So, we went to the club, and I was underimpressed. However, when I went to the bar to grab a drink, and saw heard the beginning, chromatic intro to “For Whom The Bell Tolls,” I suddenly became interested. A stripper with an above average taste in music and an above average waste line shaking her stuff on a silvered pole, I was vaguely interested. In my drunken state I wanted to share in the camaraderie one finds in a state of intoxication when confronted by nude woman-flesh. I turned to the patron next to me … and saw Steve Dillon. Yes, oh my brothers, Steve “I-Fucking-Drew-Preacher” Dillon. I begin, slightly star-struck, to expound upon the virtues of female nudity, and Dillon, with a Conan-like sullen masculinity, states matter-of-factly “I belong here.”

Fucking surreal.


Riding the sun…

More details on upcoming Star Wars books.

Just a few words: Nomi Sunrider! Score.

(via)


On growing… pt. 2

As I noted earlier a good number of us Blurred Production folks were at Baltimore Comic-Con over the weekend. This was my sixth consecutive year attending.

After last year I fretted that Baltimore was growing but not growing well.  This year things got worse.

Before I really get into things there is a major caveat that I need to get out of the way:

  • The only day I was able to attend fully was Saturday. I spent most of Saturday (11 to roughly 5) on the floor or in panels.
  • On Sunday spent only maybe a full hour at the con, because I had a massive hang over and needed to take the girlfriend to her bus.
  • Thus my opinion is formed basically on the experience of Saturday only.

Ok. So basically Marc Nathan and rest of the organizers are good people but they seriously need to figure out what the future of Baltimore Comic-Con is supposed to be.

For example, no one can complain about this year’s guest list; Bendis, Johns, Lee, Robinson – these are are huge names in the comic business and Nathan deserves credit for bringing them to Charm City. But having all the great guests in the world is not going to mean shit if your floor plan is a giant clusterfuck that was a cross between a traffic jam and a poorly designed dungeon from a bad D&D campaign.

What I mean by that is essentially all of the “top talent” was clustered in the same corner of the convention floor. This meant that there was one clusterfucked corner that was virtually impossible to push through or figure out which line was which. As I understand it, things were so nuts that they were giving out tickets to the Geoff Johns line.

This is not to mention the ghettization of the medium to unknown creators in the back of the convention hall. Now this might be unfair but compare the treatment of mid-to-low list creators (and Indie comics people) at a con like Heroes – where they essentially get their own “island” and are promoted – to Baltimore. Now I know Baltimore has different ambitions than Heroes but the Heroes people can – somehow – manage to have both big name creators, like Bendis, and still show love towards less well known creators.

Perhaps the biggest organizational snauf of the con was the utterly rediciously line on Saturday to get tickets. It was clear that the organizers – again – did not expect the turn out they got and did not prepare for it. At one o’clock – three hours after the con opened – there was still a line out the door (in the rain) for tickets. [Note: in all fairness this could have been because of the fire code] And despite the bigger guest list, we were in a smaller convention hall than last year.

This is not to say that the organizers completely screwed up. The panel schedule was very good, varied, and interesting this year. Despite the fact that is an “end of the season” con. The Bendis/Kirkman panel was very intellectually engaging and one of my best convention panel experiences ever. The DC Panel on the other hand was very low-key and boring. It definitely had a burnt out, end of the season kind of feel to it. Plus, the who DC crew was oddlyanti-fan“. [Note: I “twittered” both the DC and Bendis/Kirkman panels]

On the most basic level I think Marc Nathan and the Baltimore crew need to put serious thought into where they think the con in going in the future. Is it going to be a “big star” con? Is it going to be con where people go to get deals? Or is it going to be some sort of combination of both? Baltimore felt like it was going through an identity crisis this year.

What the 2008 convention proved was that last year’s growth wasn’t an outlier – it looks like Baltimore’s steady growth is likely to continue – but the basic thrust my feelings about last year’s con remain. Is this growth a good thing? Is it something that the con organzers can handle?

The answer this year’s con leaves me with is: not really. And that makes me sad.

SEE ALSO: The comments by The Kaiser.


Baltimore Comic-Con: The Good, The Bad, and the FUCK!!!

As Smith Michaels indicated earlier, a good number of the staff attended our annual Comic-Con. Here is my review:

The GOOD:

1. Jim Lee

2. Geoff Johns (though i had no chance of even getting in line to get something signed)

3. Bendis

4. More panels

5. Bigger crowds (considering the weather and the economy)

6. The hotel prices!

7. Lack of Yankee or Red Sox fans to drive up hotel costs

8. Tim Sale (more on that later………..)

9. More media coverage.

10. Drunken stories.

11. Middle America

12. The Black Glove

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The Bad:

1. Retailers – seriously, nothing good! I could barely find any trades worth buying.

2. The crowds

3. Rude nerds (more on that later………)

4. Too short again. It really needs to be a 3-day Con.

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The FUCK:

I’m going to break here and talk about a horrid experience from a 45 year old man. This is the first time in my 25 years on this planet that I have literally heard a grown man whine. I hope he reads this because I want him to know what a horrible, pathetic, depraved asshole he really is. Seeing nerds run is almost like the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona but unfortunately there wasn’t a Bull to gore or trample them, because I’d pay good money to see that. Back to the asshole. I made my way to the Tim Sale line to get a commissioned sketch from him at the time the convention opened to the general public and I happened to be the last person in that day to get a sketch. That wasn’t going to fly for our shitty friend here, because he pointed out that he had been waiting in line since 4:30 am. While I doubt that, because his mother would have gotten him up inevitably and I’m sure she didn’t want to get up that early. Mr. Sale’s assistant came over to help mediate the one-sided argument, as he was the only one speaking and I was just in awe of his whining. She pointed out that since I had a retailer tag (I was helping my former boss with set up and he gave me a pass) that I would have to leave the line and that the jerkstore would get my spot. While I’m not mad that I got ejected from a line because of that, I’m upset because he probably asked to get Superman or some lame ass Heroes sketch. My spot was wasted on that. I realize I’m probably sounding insanely nerdy right now and that my rage is probably unnecessary, I merely want to point out that there is no justice in this world. He is also probably proud of the fact that he was able to whine and moan to get what he wants. I was happy to step aside as to not create any type of controversy, but my god…GROW UP ASSHOLE.

That is all…FUCK…..

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All in all, there were far more positives to outweigh any potential negative. It was a good time for all.

I give it 7 out of 10 Bones.


I Should be Allowed to Think (Fuck You, CNN)

Last night I went out to eat at Dogfish Head Brewery with my girlfriend, her roommate, and another friend. Last night, of course, was also the first round of presidential debates. I didn’t get to watch the debates closely live (who scheduled it late on a Friday night, anyhow? I’ve got things to do!) but I figured I could get watch highlights later on. Of course, while at the restaurant, most of the TVs tuned into the debate, so I could glance up every once in awhile and read the closed captioning. We sat down in the bar area, and come 9:00 p.m., the large HD TV closest to our table was turned the CNN HD, so we got to see just how much makeup had been caked into McCain’s face crevasses.

Once the debate started, I noticed a series of circles on either side of the screen, split in half two times, leaving red/blue hemispheres and positive/negative hemispheres. Each circle was labeled with a different political analysts name.

I was horrified. CNN was judging the presidential debate like it was fucking Olympic diving.

It gets worse. At the bottom of the screen was an ever-changing line chart measuring audience reaction. God knows how they were measuring that. Did the network slide the audience into fMRI scanners beforehand? Did CNN count the number of times they say “WoooOOOooOoOOoo!!!” versus “OoooOooOohhh…”? Or in all likelihood, were they given buttons to press when they heard something they liked/hated? Which of these choices is worse? They all sound like psychology experiments to me.

I was disgusted. CNN was trying to quantify something impossible to measure. Worst of all, in doing so, the network was not-so-subliminally telling the audience what to think. I know there have been analysts breaking down debates for as long there have been debates. I don’t mind doing it after the fact. But all these little graphs on the side of the screen are a disgusting distraction. You start to pay attention the analysts’ points and not the meat of what the candidates are saying. As I sat in the restaurant, I even found myself, despite my better judgment, smiling when Obama grabbed a positive point and cringing when McCain got one. I knew the system was stupid, but my competitive nature kicked in nonetheless. I’m sure I wasn’t the only one.

What ever happened to making up our own goddamn minds? If I agree with candidate A, but candidate B explained his point better, shouldn’t I still agree with candidate A? Why should anyone tell me otherwise? Why should I give a flying fuck what Paul Begala thinks qualifies as a positive or negative score? Clearly, even the analysts were having difficulty discerning what should count as a point, as by the end of the debate some of them had only granted about 5 or 6 positive points, while others granted about 25.

I don’t care if Obama “won” by this stupid, arbitrary standard. The whole measurement system is an appalling insult to our political system and CNN should stop it immediately.