Crossing the Line – Teeth

Tagline: Every rose has its thorns

Synopsis: Dawn is a devoted leader of the high school abstinence program in a way that is of course totally not related to any western religion affiliated with bearded Jews or old men. She falls for a fellow promise keeper and things get too heavy. So heavy in fact that he forces his hot beef injection on her! Surprise though, she’s got built in rape protection in the form of teeth on her vagina! Most of the rest of the film progresses as a series of men who try to take advantage of her, and then pay the ultimate man-price. First the gynecologist who thinks he can get away with finger-banging her, then the charming guy from school who drugs her and sweet talks her, then her asshole step-brother who was too busy having sex with his girlfriend to save their mother from dying. By the end of the film, Dawn has embraced sex as her way of punishing all the sexually deviant men in the world, one dong at a time.

Interesting Fact: No real interesting trivia here. The DVD was released on my birthday though! Coincidence!

Objectionable material: Nudity, Rape, Portrayal of all men as either spineless or rapists, castration, a vagina with teeth, a penis eaten by a crab, pseudo-religious abstinence, death, misogyny, anal sex, mentally abusive relationship, white people

Disturbing Quote: “Your mouth is saying one thing babe, but your sweet pussy is saying something very different.”

MBRFT: There’s this totally awesome scene in the movie where this guy like has his dick bit off by this chick’s vagina teeth. And then it happens again. And again. And we’re left assuming it will happen again. “Teeth” is a satisfying albeit repetitive female-revenge horror film that basically assumes all men are rapists. Based on the other controversial films we’ve watched, I would agree. The premise is clever and it’s executed well. H.R. Giger’s creature designs in “Alien” originally embraced vagina dentata imagery for the ultimate Freudian mindfuck in 1979. “Teeth” is a lot more literal but wisely avoids anything explicit. This thing could have easily spun into a graphic gross-out splatter film, but it makes the right decision and leaves its “monster” concealed. We see the bloody aftermath of several castrations that the filmmakers always justify by portraying the male victims as sexually abusive and cruel to our impossibly innocent high school protagonist.

I guess you could call this a Slasher film with Dawn’s vagina dealing out Old Testament punishment to sexually-active teenagers. It has the potential for endless sequelization that I hope won’t ever be realized. It’s a solid and terrifying concept, but it became predictable over the course of one film and couldn’t possibly be stretched any further. I don’t think I’d call it controversial. I’d call it progressive for reversing the traditional horror movie dynamic. Instead of a half-naked woman running from a chainsaw-wielding psycho, we have a half-naked woman vaginally chomping off genitals. The scares are aimed directly at males. We used to only have to fear teeth during a blowjob.

Screaming Girl: Teeth is probably the best movie to show a sex education classroom full of 12-13 year old boys. That is, if you have a strictly abstinence sex-ed program at your school. Otherwise the movie doesn’t teach you anything other than the fact that hot religious girls have teeth in their vaginas (that is a scientific fact). So the movie wasn’t very controversial other than the fact that it followed our trend of castration. From what I can remember there were at least three guys who had their dicks bitten off and one gynecologist who lost a few fingers.

What I found more memorable than the movie was the audience I was watching it with. A few drunk guys and two girls, one who may have also been drunk seeing as how she found me hilarious and I am not a funny person. The movie seemed harmless to me, completely unbelievable and not at all scary. However, the screams from the boys made me realize that the idea of Vagina Dentata is terrifying to boys. I was also told by one of the boys that it is totally possible; gynecologists pull teeth down there all the time. This brings up an even more interesting question. Who do you go to when you need those teeth pulled or one gets a cavity?

Despite the fact that the movie was boring and redundant it was an entertaining experience. My suggestion is not to watch it alone or on a mellow night. It is best watched with a group of people. Preferably boys. Preferably drunk boys.

Mind Fuckability Rating: Better stock up on toothpaste.

PsychoLarry: Here’s a part of the movie that encapsulates the essence of “Teeth”: Dawn’s step brother attempts to finger her when they’re both young. For his trouble he gets curved scars on his fingers, bite marks. Somehow this makes him refuse to have vaginal sex with any other woman besides Dawn, resulting in so much anal sex that his girlfriend ineffectually complains. Only Dawn’s extremely hazardous honey pot will do for Mr. Brad. How do those two ideas fit together? Plot.

In the same way, much of the film occurs because of plot requirements. The sweet, caring promise keeper Dawn likes seems to have little trouble moving from flirting to rape in no time. The man who had the self restraint to become a licensed gynecologist is unable to resist fingering the girl who claims to have teeth in her vagina. Dawn doesn’t realize the guy that drugged her and had sex with her is a sleazebag until he takes a phone call to brag about his conquest during sex. Also, the guy is enough of an ass to take a phone call during sex. And of course, the climax, where the brother doesn’t see anything off with his sister trying to seduce him, then still loves her after losing his manhood to her womanhood. It happens not because it makes sense, but because the plot calls for it.

To be honest, I don’t have a problem with that. If you forced horror films to be logical, or even remotely rational, they wouldn’t be horror films, they’d be boring. The main problem is that the ‘monster’ in this case really leaves only one option for gruesome attacks, and that means way more repetition than anyone wants. I argued for this film on our list because it made our friend leave the room, and because you could probably turn your son gay if you showed him this film early enough. In the end though, it’s a slightly different version of your average horror film. Controversial only because of the specific nature of the monster attacks.
I’d also like to add that Screaming Girl loves to take advantage of drunk boys.

-Looks like the next few weeks are going to be pretty benign, unless you’re a minority! Next Thursday we look at the super-progressive “Soul Man”, followed by Disney’s secret shame “Song of the South”!

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2 Comments on “Crossing the Line – Teeth”

  1. […] the Line: The Last Temptation of Jesus Christ – Teeth – Soul Man – Song of the South – Coal Black and the Sebben […]


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