CollaborationPosted: January 17, 2007
Since it was requested, and it pleases me to do so, I’m posting one of the old columns I did with Smith Michaels. If he doesn’t want the screenname he never uses reveald, he can wake himself up from whatever Scandinavian hell hole he’s passed out in and edit this damn thing himself. I have nothing to hide.
PsychoLarry1: If that’s what you call it
fauxintel: It is
PsychoLarry1: Well, I hope that works out for you
fauxintel: As do I. I have hooked all my hopes and dreams upon it.
PsychoLarry1: Careful, afternoon can be a fickle mistress
fauxintel: I know, I was foolish, but what is done is done
PsychoLarry1: I suppose you’ll have to take whatever comes at you then
fauxintel: I will
PsychoLarry1: Or you could buy a gun and kill the man that did this to your family
fauxintel: I could do that…
PsychoLarry1: Make sure it’s during a hurricane, there is an attractive woman with you who hates you at first, then sees the good in you and falls hopelessly in love with you
PsychoLarry1: and the bad guy has to have a mustache and be your evil brother
fauxintel: Can I sell the movie rights to this exciting turn of events, afterwards?
PsychoLarry1: Only if you realize afterwards that killing only brings more killing and that you want to settle down and raise your family
fauxintel: Okay. I realize that.
PsychoLarry1: then sell out my friend
PsychoLarry1: but beware, when you become rich, terrorists will kidnap your family and hold them for ransom
PsychoLarry1: and you’ll have to pick up the gun you swore to never use again
fauxintel: I assume then, that my wife will be killed by the terrorists, but I will (at the last moment with the help of a witty black cop) be able to save my children.
PsychoLarry1: Well, yes, but you’ll lose the use of your right hand, making it impossible to ever play the guitar again, the guitar which was given to your father right before the mob gunned him down
fauxintel: Damn, but I guess a price must be paid to be such a terrorist killing expert.
PsychoLarry1: Something has to form you into the badass that you are
fauxintel: Can I get a scar by my right eye from a knife fight with a terrorist?
PsychoLarry1: Of course, but his knife will be coated with poison, and the witty black cop will have to team up with a hitman with a golden heart to save your life.
fauxintel: I assume that the hitman with a heart of gold will seem like he had betrayed the witty black cop at one point during their journey to save my life, but actually didn’t betray him at all. It was all part of the hitman’s plan to trick his former employers into letting their guard down.
PsychoLarry1: and the hitman will still be angry at the cop for killing the hitman’s friend in a drug bust gone wrong
fauxintel: But by the end of the journey the two will have become friends but their friendship will be tested when its revealed that the hitman’s friend wasn’t actually dead but just faked his death and is now the head of the terrorist/drug cartel that killed my wife.
PsychoLarry1: and there will be a mexican standoff between the cop, the hitman and the cartel head, where it looks as if the hitman is going to shoot the cop, but at the last second, he shoots his friend
PsychoLarry1: and you’ll shoot the sniper that the friend set up as insurance.
fauxintel: Afterwards, the cop joins the FBI, the hitman takes a European vacation, and I take what’s left of my family to live in a small town in Maine away from the dangers of big city terrorists and drug dealers.
PsychoLarry1: Little do you know that the small Maine town is home to an evil, godlike clown.
fauxintel: The clown goes after my children and other local kids with his mind-bending powers, but I am powerless to stop it, leaving my pre-teen son and teenage daughter in the thrall of the clown’s twisted machinations.
PsychoLarry1: and in the end, after your children destroy the clown through the power of imagination, the damage between your children and you, where they blamed you for your wife’s death and pushed you away every time you tried to get close to them, is repaired.
fauxintel: Meanwhile… in Europe the hitman is living in Amsterdam, and ends up crossing a powerful ‘old money’ family (over a hooker with a heart of gold that the youngest son of the family has deep interest in) that has ties to much of the EU’s criminal underworld.
PsychoLarry1: and the black cop is called over to work with the EU police in taking down the old money crime family, and the hitman teams up with the cop, which gets the cop fired from the police force, and gives him the freedom to kill everyone he wants
fauxintel: Starting with the head of the old money crime family which enrages the oldest son who devotes all of his family’s resources to hunting down the witty black cop. so the cop goes into hiding in Berlin. There, he falls in love with the family’s lone daughter (neither knows the other’s true identity) who is going to college in the city.
PsychoLarry1: And it all climaxes with a stand off between the cop and his new wife, the EU authorities, US marines, the hitman and his brand new army of vigilante crime fighters, the old money crime family, and the secret militant branch of the Vatican, which has come for the ring of the apostle Paul, bought at a flea market by the cop and used as his wedding ring.
fauxintel: The big shoot out… the hitman and his army of vigilantes arrive, destroy the Vatican army and the hitman with a heart of gold (with his wife the hooker with a heart of gold) declares himself pope. The cop’s wife gets shot and killed by her own brother while the black cop in a fit of rage throw himself and his brother-in-law off the top of the 1000 story building that they are fighting on. The cop lands on his brother-in-law… so he doesn’t die; he just loses his arm & legs. The EU kills every last one of the Marines and the forces of the evil old money family… and blames it on the weather… and I live happily ever after, until 25 years later, when my son (who was secretly possessed by the clown all those years ago & the clown was hiding in the boy’s psyche, waiting for his chance) kills me.
fauxintel: THE END