Farce

Just a bit of fiction I’ve written.  It’s either a play or a skit, whatever.  Enjoy.

THE SETTING is an average middle class suburban living room.  On a couch in the center of the room DIANA and BEN are sitting close together, mumbling incoherently to each other. Ben is a younger, seedy looking man with a thin mustache and a bright collared shirt and loosened tie and Diana is an attractive, vapid, middle aged woman.  On a coffee table in front of them are an opened briefcase and some colorful flyers laid out.  From the front door, SL, enters PETER, a tall middle aged man with a paunch and a slight bald patch.  Peter is wearing a business suit.  Diana and Ben both jump slightly when Ben walks through the door.

 

DIANA

Oh! Honey you’re home!  This is uh… Ben, and he’s hear to just show us some lovely…

(Stops as Peter stares angrily at the two of them, then walks into an adjoining room off stage without saying a word, stopping only to give the two a wrathful glance.)

Dear?  Where are you going?  Oh please come back, I was just telling Ben how happy you’d be to hear what he had to say.  (Beat) Peter?  Was it a bad day at the office?  I hope you aren’t mad about anything, please just come in and have a drink.

 

BEN

Well, clearly this is a bad time and I really should just be going.  Obviously I can come back whenever you’re free.  Really now don’t feel bad, I should probably have left already.  Maybe you’d prefer to talk about this at my office?  Or when your husband is in a better mood?  Or when your husband isn’t around at all?

(Shouting as he begins to stand, and pushing Diana’s hands away as she tries to keep him from leaving)

Don’t concern yourself with me Sir!  I’m heading out the door now, I’m sorry to have troubled you.  I had only wanted a moment of your time, but I think we can skip all that today!

 

DIANA

Oh no, don’t go please, I’m sure he’s not mad about anything, oh don’t.  No please really.

 

BEN

No, No, I insist, it’s really time for me to go.  Here’s my card, call me whenever it’s convenient, I’ll just get going now.

(Ben begins to scramble towards the door, tripping over Diana.)

 

BEN & DIANA

OH!

(Both are startled as Peter rushes back into the room brandishing a pistol and screaming at them.)

 

PETER

SIDDOWN!!

(Both rush back to the couch, staring terrified at the gun in his hand, following it as he gesticulates wildly.)

WHAT DID I TELL YOU WOMAN ABOUT GOING BEHIND MY BACK?  GODDAMN IT!  I TOLD YOU BEFORE THAT I WOULD NOT OUT UP WITH ANY GODDAMN INFIDELITY ANYMORE!

 

DIANA

What?! But this isn’t-

 

PETER

NO! DO NOT START WITH ME!  I HAVE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH YOU AND THOSE COLLEGE BOYS!  AND THE AUTO-MECHANIC!  AND THE… uh… the uh

(Pauses to catch his breath, scratching his head with the pistol.)

 

DIANA

Bell-boy?

 

PETER

YES! AHHH! GOD!  WOMAN, THIS IS TOO MUCH!  IN MY GODDAMN COUCH THIS TIME!  WITH THIS LITTLE GODDAMN WEASEL!

 

DIANA

No! It’s not like that! He’s a –

 

PETER

STOP TALKING! GODDAMN! (Beat) GODDAMN!

(Waves gun at Ben)

 

BEN

OH God! Pleasepleaseplease don’t kill me! Really it wasn’t like that at all, I really am just wanted to help you with some investment opportunities! Really, don’t hurt me, pleaseplease, I don’t want to die, I just got this job! This is really too much!

 

PETER

STOP YOUR GODDAMN SNIVELING YOU HOMEWRECKER! I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT ANY…did you say something about investment opportunities?

 

 

 

 

DIANA

Oh yes dear!  That’s what I was trying to tell you!  Mr. Ben here was just telling me about some wonderful things to do with our money! Haven’t you been talking about doing something with money?

 

BEN

Sir really you don’t need to hear about that right now.  You’re clearly in no mood to hear about this sort of thing, I’ll just be on my way now.

 

PETER

Investment opportunities eh? 

(A wide smile spreads across his face)

Yeeesssss, I really have been thinking about something along those lines.  Just give me one minute.

(Walks over to the door to the adjoining room.)

 

DIANA

Honey, where did you get that gun?

 

PETER

Oh don’t worry about that dear!

(Tosses the gun into the adjoining room.  A shot can be heard and Peter quickly grabs his arm.)

Ah! (Beat) Now what kind of thing did you have in mind?  I’ve really been just keeping the money in the bank, you know, nothing safer than a-

 

BEN

Oh my God!  You’ve been shot!

 

PETER

Oh, what that? It’s really nothing.  HAHA! But what were you thinking?  Maybe some sort of IRA? I’ve really been a traditional man myself, but I’ve heard things about these Roths.  Or maybe that’s not really what you’re looking at?  Yes, you’re right, really a diversified mutual fund is really more of the kind of thing I’m looking for.  Little bit in everything! Keep it safe, can’t fail with one of those!  Of course there’s always the Bond. Strength of the US government behind that one! Or a company bond!  You can always count on a good strong corporation!

 

BEN

You’re bleeding through your coat!

 

PETER

I said not to worry about it.  Really, I had to wash this thing anyway.  Now let’s get down to brass tacks.

 

 

DIANA

Dear, perhaps you’d better let me call a hospital, you really are bleeding!

 

PETER

Honey please, men are talking about important things here.  OK Ben, wow me with some numbers!

 

BEN

(Looks confused, then takes out a paper from his briefcase and begins to mumble.)

Well what we need to think about in your case is uh…interest rates.  And of course there’s always the uh…market strength? Yes! And we could put you into a Dow…account?  Maybe um… computers? Or we could of course put money into a joint er…checking account to accumulate…credit?

 

PETER

(His smile fading) Boy, what exactly are you rambling on about? Spit it out.

 

BEN

Oh it’s no use! I’m not here to set you up with investments!

 

DIANA

You’re not?

 

PETER

You’re not?

 

BEN

I’m actually here to sell you religious tracts.

 

DIANA

Oh wonderful!  Honey, haven’t we always been talking about into religion?

 

PETER

What kind of religion?

 

DIANA

Oh! I hadn’t really thought about it!  Really any kind of religion will do!

 

PETER

Not you, dear.

 

BEN

Oh, well it’s not really on any specific church, at Salva-CO. we feel that which church you decide to join with is entirely up to you.  What’s really important is that you accept the lord and turn away from your godless ways!  Adultery for instance!  Or Greed!

PETER

(Walks over and fixes himself a drink at a side-bar, then downs it quickly)

Now son, I don’t really know what you’re talking about over there.  Some sort of ringing in my ears.  But I really think it’s not something either of us our interested in.

 

DIANA

Oh now honey, I don’t know about that!  Look at this one here!  Protecting the nation from the Gay threat!  Haven’t you always hated the gays?

 

PETER

Woman, I’ll move the car when I’m damned well ready! Where’s dinner?

 

DIANA

What? Oh my, you’re bleeding on the carpet!  Please come sit down and let’s read about ummm…

(Picks up another random leaflet)

The Jewish conspiracy!  Oh that’s nice!

 

BEN

Yes, I’ve always liked that one!  Plenty of juicy details and lovely artwork there; look at how well they captured the lust for gold!

 

PETER

I think I might just take a little nap.  Leave the portfolio on my…desk.

(Sits down heavily on an easy chair and promptly passes out.)

 

BEN

Oh thank God, I really thought he was going to shoot me!

 

DIANA

Quick thinking with that investment stuff!

 

BEN

Yes, that was rather clever wasn’t it?  Wanna go back to my place?

 

DIANA

Oh, absolutely!  I’ll call you when I get back from the hospital!

(They kiss passionately.)

 

THE END

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4 Comments on “Farce”

  1. The Kaiser says:

    it’s good…but sadly the submissive wasn’t in it.

  2. psycholarry says:

    What can be better than the submissive

  3. Mr. White says:

    At least it wasn’t about comics.

  4. psycholarry says:

    So good of you to deign to grace us with your presence Mr. White. Did you grow nostalgic for the common rabble?


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