They Forgot Classic Hits like “Global Warming is a Myth” and “The Trickle-Down Rock”Posted: October 27, 2006
In my travels across the Internet, I stumbled across this list (http://article.nationalreview.com/?q=NzZkNDU5MmViNzVjNzkzMDE3NzNlN2MyZjRjYTk4YjE=)
where the National Review decides to count down the top 50 Conservative rock songs.
Yeah that’s right “conservative rock songs.” The funny thing is, for the most part, rather than trying to find songs that were truly written trying to say something conservative, the list is made of misinterpreted lyrics with the article’s author, John J. Miller saying, “See? See? They’re really conservative at heart!”
The list is already screamingly funny. There’s a few choices I expected to see, like “Taxman” by the Beatles or “Sweet Home Alabama” by Skynyrd. But for the most part, the rest of the list is so bizarre, so baffling that you won’t believe what you’re reading.
“Gloria” by U2 is included because it has a few lines in Latin. (What the fuck?) Ben Folds’ continual insistence that “Brick” is not a political song falls on deaf ears, as that song comes in at #23. “Wake Up Little Susie” by the Everly Brothers is on there. Apparently falling asleep and having the town think you were getting it on represents the conservative party. (I’m still trying to figure that one out.)
The number one head-scratcher has to be “Who’ll Stop the Rain” by CCR. Nowhere in my wildest imagination can I figure out any possible justification for listing a Vietnam protest song as a conservative anthem. I’m honestly wondering if this John J. Miller guy has disguised himself as a conservative to secretly make fun of them behind their backs.
I decided to come up with a few entries that really should’ve been on the list, complete with lyrical evidence and the sort of supporting comments I’d expect from a product of the National Review’s caliber. It’s a shame, because I think they might be a little more telling of the true spirit of conservatism…
Reel Big Fish – “All I Want is More”
Most Conservative line: “I’ll say, ‘Why don’t you go fuck yourself?’”
Little known fact: Dick Cheney originally wrote and performed this song, with his band, The Halliburt-Ones.
Tool – Aenima
Most Conservative line: “I could sure use a vacation from this bullshit three-ring circus sideshow of freaks here in this fucking hole we call L.A.”
Only Republicans have that much spite for California! Can’t wait til the big one hits!
The Cure – “Torture”
Most Conservative line: “I’m in the room without a light/ The room without a view/ I’m here for one more treacherous night/ Another night with you.”
See? Robert Smith understands that sometimes certain measures are necessary for extracting information.
Notorious B.I.G. – Things Done Changed
Most Conservative line: “And I’m down with the shit too
For the stupid motherfuckers wanna try to use kung-fu
Instead of a mac-10/ He tried scrappin’
Slugs in his back and, that’s what the fuck happens
When you sleep on the street”
Now I’m not too familiar with how those African American fellows talk, but it seems to me this song is longing for the way things used to be. And what could be more conservative than that? Also, Biggie seems to have extra references in there in support of his Second Amendment rights and against the lazy homeless. You go, my homie!
Cypress Hill – How Could I Just Kill a Man
Most Conservative line: “Didn’t have to blast him/ But I did anyway/ Young punk had to pay.”
Who knew how much rap music advocated the Second Amendment? And they show perfect understanding for the concept of a pre-emptive strike! Nice work, my brotha!
The Replacements – “I.O.U.”
Most Conservative line: It’s a tie between “You’re all wrong and I’m right” and “I owe you nothing.”
Goddamn hippies looking for their goddamn handouts…