Beck and Bias

In some commentary on CNN’s main page today, Glenn Beck comes this close to making a good point, before his argument completely crumbles into nonsense. It’s really extraordinary how quickly the whole thing falls apart.

The opening of the commentary gripes about an AP article detailing Obama’s exercising schedule. Fair complaint. The AP undoubtedly has better things to do than fluff pieces. Then he gives some statistics on the amount of time spent on Obama vs. the amount of time spent on McCain since June. Still acceptable, though undoubtedly much of that coverage was due to Obama securing the Democratic nomination. He complains about the large number of reporters following Obama to the Middle East when barely any did the same for McCain during his trip in March. Let’s not forget Clinton vs. Obama was still in full swing during March, so fair or not, that greatly overshadowed McCain’s trip. Still, there’s nothing wrong with making that point.

Minor complaints aside, those points do lead up valid conclusion:

“…To be fair, Men’s Vogue also did an in-depth story on John McCain but, strangely, a photo of McCain didn’t make their cover.

Why the disparity? According to Men’s Vogue deputy editor Ned Martel, there’s a simple explanation: Obama “is what is called in the magazine world an ‘interest driver.’” Translation: Obama sells magazines.

As a conservative, I can’t argue with that logic. “The Media” aren’t around for their health, they’re around to make money, and if Obama drives sales or ratings, then I can’t really blame them for continuing to tap that well until it runs dry….”

And there you have it, Glenn. Right in your fingers. A legitimate point that you can take in so many directions. You could skewer the celebrity-obsessed media for treating Barack and Michelle like they were Brad and Angelina instead of a politician and his wife. You could challenge media outlets to rise above cheap ways to drive up ratings. You might even use this space to declare that your show will not resort to such tabloid journalism and will only discuss Obama’s policies. (Alright, maybe that last one is wishful thinking.) C’mon Glenn, show me what you’ve got!

I do, however, find it funny that many of the same people who are clearly not fans of big business or truly free markets have embraced this “run what rates” philosophy. I guess capitalism is evil until it’s you whose paycheck is at stake.

Wait… but… weren’t you just… You were upset about this a second ago. Who are these people you’re talking about who’ve embraced this philosophy? The editors at the major media outlets? Since when have they hated capitalism? What the hell does the above paragraph mean?

But all of this points to a larger point: We’ve become a country that continually chooses the sizzle over the steak. McCain may not get my vote, but he gets my admiration for at least offering some substance and new ideas when he speaks. Obama, meanwhile, is like the rock star who’s realized that he can just scream unintelligible words into the microphone between songs, and the entire stadium will still scream. When your fans already love you, there’s no reason to risk it by offering anything that might be controversial. Remember the Dixie Chicks?

What… what? The Dixie Chicks? What the hell are you talking about?

As candidates, Barack Obama and John McCain are ironically a lot like the way the media treats them: Obama is the glitzy magazine cover that screams for people to buy the issue, and McCain is the fact-filled article buried inside that makes you glad you did.

Who are you Alanis Morrisette? That’s not at all what ironic means! It would be ironic if Obama and McCain were the opposite of the way they were treated. That’s what irony is, when something is the opposite of what is expected. And where’s all this substance you’re talking about McCain having? And where’s the lack of substance that Obama has? This isn’t at all where you started with this article. This isn’t reflected in any thing you said above. How can this be your conclusion? You started out complaining about partisan, sensationalist coverage of Obama and somehow ended with a partisan conclusion about the quality of the candidates. I might as well end this post with “In conclusion, McCain is a cranky old man.” I understand that in critiquing media bias you always run the risk of exposing your own bias… but c’mon Glenn… you could have at least tried to keep your point coherent.

Glenn Beck, you get a D+ on this paper, though you can rewrite the last three paragraphs for extra credit if you turn it in by Friday. Also, for future assignments, you might want to bring drafts by the writer’s workshop offered by the English department. Many students have found it to be very useful in helping to organize their ideas on paper.

20 Best 2 Minute (or Less) Songs

Iron Maiden has a badass song called “Two Minutes to Midnight.” It clocks in at six minutes and thirteen seconds. Fall Out Boy has a shitty song called “7 Minutes in Heaven.” It’s three minutes and three seconds. Pantera has a song called “5 Minutes Alone.” Getting warmer… this one is five minutes and fifty-eight seconds. It’s a good song, but a little carries on a little longer than it should. Fifty-eight seconds too long perhaps? The song has a very choppy, staccato hook, and probably should end on a sharp cut, rather than slowly fade out.

Time’s a tricky thing in music. Sometimes shortening and focusing a band’s sound can cut out what people loved about it the first place. Trying to make achieve a more radio-friendly sound in studio turned Metallica’s hardcore fans against them after the Black album. It made Phish’s studio efforts pointless abbreviated versions of their rambling live performances. It turned Dave Matthews Band’s jazzy jam sessions into the instantly forgettable ultra-bland albums Everyday and Stand Up.

Other times though, you really have to respect the songs that can get in, get the job done, and get out in no time at all. Songs that know exactly the length they should be, and wrap things before they’ve worn out their welcome. With that in mind, I present to you my 20 favorite songs under two minutes, accompanied by an appropriately short (no more than two sentences) review of each song.

Review: Chuck Palahniuk - Snuff

A couple weeks ago, Chuck Palahniuk (author of Fight Club, Choke, Survivor) was in D.C. for a book signing, reading, interview, and Q&A. It was a ticketed event, which allowed the author to (a) have the event last about 2 hours, (b) give away tons of free stuff, and (c) tell all the vile, offensive stories he’d like to without fear of upsetting the normal afternoon crowd at Barnes & Noble. Considering he was visiting in support of his most recent book, Snuff, which revolves around a pornstar trying to break the world gangbang record, you might understand why his P.R. team might want a little… exclusivity for this tour. I went because my brother got me a ticket as a birthday present, which included a signed book to be picked up that night.

The event itself was incredibly entertaining. Palahniuk wrote a short story called Loser specifically for the tour, written in second person perspective about a frat boy who drops acid and ends up on The Price is Right. It was clever and pretty damn funny, as the feverish college kid recalls being a feverish grade school kid, since the only time he’d watch the show was when he’d stay home sick. Other parts of the evening included games like “first one to fill up a blow-up doll gets a free book!” and other non-fiction anecdotes involving a guy snapping a finger off in a conveyor belt and a pug dog having an HIV scare. The interviewer wasn’t very good (First question: “Do you ever get tired of people asking you about Fight Club?” Really, who cares?) but that’s really my only complaint about the event itself.

The book on the other hand…

Presented in Glorious Extra-Color! Venture Brothers Top 6 Countdown! (#2-1)

#2 Ghosts of the Sargasso

Years ago, one of Jonas Venture Sr.’s friends, Major Tom (yes that’s a Bowie reference), crashed a jet into the ocean. Dr. Venture returns to salvage the wreck, but his ship ends up taken over by a group of pirates pretending to be ghosts. The threat stays minimal until the ever-screaming real ghost of Major Tom resurfaces.

Why it’s #2

It’s not perfect, but I feel this is the episode that first truly captures the characterizations of Dr. Venture, Brock, and the boys. The bitter Dr. Venture is left alone, bitching to his Jacques-Cousteau-esque recording as he sits at the bottom of the ocean, musing on his failures and inadequecies relative to his father. The good-natured Dean is left with the “villain” head of the ghost pirates, surprisingly resourceful as he convinces them that an even tougher bodyguard is on the loose. The bold but naive Hank tying up pirates with knots with big bows, and Brock behaving as his mentor, though he’s just as tough without the use of his hands.

This episode also wonderfully embraces the show’s ongoing theme of failure. The fake ghost pirates are sub-Scooby-Doo villains, not only dressing up as supernatural threats, but only able to pillage Toys-R-Us ships. And Dr. Venture, of course, trying and failing to dig up one of his father’s old inventions, once again must deal with the fact that his best ideas are the one’s his father had decades before.

Presented in Glorious Extra-Color! Venture Brothers Top 6 Countdown! (#4-3)

#4 Escape to the House of Mummies, Part II

Dr. Venture, Brock, Hank, and Dean are “trapped in a cliche,” as slow-moving spikes inside a pyramid are about to crush them. Dr. Venture, remembering his “boy adventurer” days, climbs through a small hole to try to figure out a way to rescue the rest of them. Soon as he returns home though, he gets wrapped up in quarrel with Dr. Orpheus and forgets the others. Brock, Dean, and Hank, meanwhile, must deal with the increasingly nonsensical challenges that time travel storylines usually bring about.

Why It’s #4

There are some shows that I appreciate the most at their simplest. Many of the best Simpsons episodes are the ones that focus on the most mundane things. King of the Hill is a whole series dedicated to the celebration of the mundane. Sometimes though, something can become so over-the-top and so gleefully absurd, that there’s no way not to love it. This episode takes the best of both worlds, the comparatively mundane magic vs. science argument between Dr. Venture and Dr. Orpheus as the “A” plot, and the insanity of time travel and Egyptian cults as the “B” plot. But it’s not just the juxtaposition of the two plots that elevates this episode to greatness. The story hinges on Dr. Venture’s preoccupation with the mundane “A” plot, completely forgetting the insane non sequitor dangers Brock, Dean, and Hank are still in. For anyone who’s ever watched a multi-episode series of Super Friends or, of course, Johnny Quest, this episode’s impossible not to love.

I also have to give special any episode that’s going to include a guest spot by H. Jon Benjamin as “The Master,” probably best known as Coach McGuirk from Home Movies. Now there’s a show that doesn’t get near the credit it deserves, but I digress…

Presented in Glorious Extra-Color! Venture Brothers Top 6 Countdown! (#6-5)

Introduction:

June 1st marks the beginning of the 3rd season of The Venture Brothers. Is two seasons too few to have a “best of” countdown? Most likely. But we’ve got to anticipate somehow, and the people love their lists, particularly complaining about all my glaring omissions. Because of the dearth of episodes, this will only be a top 6. I could easily have done a top 10, but at that point I’d be dangerously close to going through every episode and talking about why it’s great. (Though I could do that easily.) I’ll split up the episodes into pairs, covering two a week until the premiere.

For the oblivious, The Venture Brothers is a character-driven show that, on the simplest level, is a parody of the old Johnny Quest cartoons. Thaddeus “Rusty” Venture was a Johnny-Quest-type is his own day, now middle-aged and living in his super-scientist father’s shadow along with his hyper-violent bodyguard Brock Samson and two children, Dean and Hank. The parody only works as a set-up though, and the well-written and well-defined cast of dozens quickly takes on a life of its own.

So if you’ve never seen the show, here’s a few suggestions of places to start. If you have seen the show, now’s the time to start disagreeing with me. Here’s number 6:

#6. Ice Station Impossible!

Dr. Venture goes to work at an arctic base with his old college instructor, Prof. Impossible (voiced by Stephen Colbert). Meanwhile, Hank, Dean, and Brock are treated to Race Bannon’s unglamorous death and Hank becomes injected with an explosive serum.

Album Reviews: “Rising Down” and “When Life Gives You Lemons, You Paint That Shit Gold”

Been a little while since I’ve written on music, and even longer since I’ve done an album review for a new release. I picked up two albums earlier this week that unexpectedly complimented and contradicted each other, and as a result I’ve spent a lot of time listening to them back to back. They warranted a double review.

I know most of the readership probably doesn’t give two shits about hip-hop, but if it’s any consolation, the Roots and Atmosphere have both always skirted with crossover appeal. The Roots’ “The Seed 2.0″ enjoyed heavy rotation on rock stations for a time, and Atmosphere’s “The Keys to Life vs. 15 Minutes of Fame” showed up (for no reason I can tell other than they’re on an indie label… or maybe that Slug is half white?) on a Punk-O-Rama volume. Both groups could have easily churned out a chart-topper years ago, but have instead opted to hold tight to their underground appeal by touring incessantly. In their new releases, the Roots’ “Rising Down” and Atmosphere’s “When Life Gives You Lemons, You Paint That Shit Gold” mainstream appeal is flirted with and rejected, albeit differently.

Wild Speculation: Replacements Tour?

This is one of those rumors that spread like wildfire just because a band member said something other than “No, I’ll never tour with those people again” when asked about a reunion. Still, it’s a nice thought, even if it would only be two of the original members.

Cormac McCarthy’s “The Cat in the Hat.”

Here’s something I wrote a little while ago, I think the title is pretty self-explanatory, not unlike Charles Bukowski’s “Peanuts.” This is probably going to be more amusing if you’ve read “Blood Meridian.” But hey, if people like it, maybe I’ll follow it up with something like Chuck Palahniuk’s “Goodnight Moon.”

***

The sun did not shine. Shrouded in cold darkness, Heaven let forth her torrential wetness and all hopes for play suffered a drowning death. They sat in the house.

The boy sat with Sally. Wish we had somethin to do said the boy. I reckon it’s too wet to go out and too cold for playin ball.

Sally spat. Sally and the boy sat in the house and did nothing at all.

Voice of reason

I’d never thought I’d call Mike Huckabee the voice of reason… but… well, there you have it.

On Rev. Wright and Obama’s speech responding to the controversy:

And he made the point, and I think it’s a valid one, that you can’t hold the candidate responsible for everything that people around him may say or do. You just can’t — whether it’s me, whether it’s Obama, anybody else.

Sermons, after all, are rarely written word-for-word by pastors like Rev. Wright, who are delivering them extemporaneously, and caught up in the emotion of the moment. There are things that sometimes get said, that if you put them on paper and looked at them in print, you’d say, “Well, I didn’t mean to say it quite like that.”

Anyone ever seen the episode of The Boondocks where Martin Luther King Jr. comes back after being in a coma for a few decades, and gets ostracized for opposing violent action after September 11, 2001? This whole thing keeps reminding me of that.